Ernestine Tomlin
Ernestine Tomlin, long time member of the union (or is that enemy of the union - see "THIS IS A RECORDING", Polydor Records) of The Phone company didn't always plan on being a telephone operator. She once dreamt of being a fameous ballerina but her dreams were cut short when, while having breakfast, her mother dropped a six-pack on Ernestine's instep.
Shortly after this disaster, Ernestine moved to the city. She was a very pretty girl, but after years at the switchboard everything started to turn in on her. Now, lusting after a hunky repairman named Vito is how she spends most of her time.
Often heard commenting to customers "Go look it up yourself, I've got better things to do!" and "You lost your dime? ...we will send you your dime after we check the validity of your claim. We also like to check our dimes return file to see if you've pulled this stunt before!", it's clear that she's headed straight for the top.
Mrs. Judy Beasley
Mrs. Judy Beasley, or simply Mrs. Beasley, is a woman who is "Not an actor but a real person like yourself", and is always ready to give you some good consumer advice. From warning us about our lack of un-natural resources ("Trees can be grown but plastics have to be made from scratch. Vinyl leopard skin will become an endangered synthetic") to alerting us to a new must-have detergent ("Grr has a new additive called 'Carnivore', which seeks out stains like a thousand tiny pirana fish") she always keeps us up to date on the consumer's market around us.
Suzie Sorority
Suzie Sorority, a college student with a bit too much school spirit, appears on the MODERN SCREAM album. When not obsessing over the difference between white and egg-shell colored high heels, she is exposing the dark underbelly of sorority life, such as Sisters who flunk out of college by spending more time at rush parties than at the books and, of course, blowing wide open the scandal of the unborn fetus found in a rival sorority's incinerator (See "MODERN SCREAM", Polydor)
Lucille The Rubber Freak
A woman once consumed with an unnatural craving, Lucille had the habbit of eating any and all things she could find made of rubber. It all started while balancing her check book one day. She must have blacked out, because when she woke up she had eaten the eraser right off her pencil. Pretty soon she was up to heavy stuff, spending all her household money on art gum erasers. She started to hang out around grade schools looking for large hunks of pink rubber anywhere she could find it.
One day her husband came home from work early and found her finishing off a typewriter eraser, with the brush hanging out of her mouth. This was the first lie, as she told him she was chewing on a pair of eye lashes. Not long after that she lost it, she would be sitting having a day with the girls and would just jump up, run into the kitchen and eat a spatula. One day she went berzerk in a Playtex Girdle Factory she found in the yellow pages. Her court psychiatrist, the humanitarian he was, stood infront of that court and said "This woman is no criminal, she's just twisted". It saved her life. But she's cured. She's no longer a woman obsessed with an unnatural craving, she's just another normal, very socially acceptable, alcoholic.
Edith Ann
Edith Ann, the 5 ½ year old who knows too much, is one of Lily's funniest characters. Rambling on and on, Edith Ann often times offends the people around her without even knowing it. Making up stories is also a common occurance, such as "I don't get sick much I have leopracy" and "My friend Junior Philips went to Vietnam. He's 6 years old".
Her best friend is her dog Buster, and she'll kiss him right on the lips. Sometimes she puts mouth wash in his doggie water because kissing a dog is NOT pleasant. She also likes to dress him up and try out household products on his fur to see what happens. Once while giving him a bath, some clorox "accidentally" fell in, and all of Buster's fur fell out. Now she writes on him with a magic marker.
Edith Ann is the middle child, with an older sister, a baby brother, an alcoholic father and a spaced-out mother. Often told that she was a horrible child and that mothers get to pick what baby they want to take home (and her mother didn't get her choice when Edith was born) it's no wonder she's such a bizarre little girl.
